Survival beyond the hosptial.
COVID-19, commonly referred to as “Corona” is still very present. While many are out living their best lives being precautious or reckless, this virus is very much real and continually evolving. There are still a few who are dealing with the aftermath of hosting the virus.
In a previous blog, I briefly spoke of my horrid experience being hospitalized in New York. I felt a sense of relief as I existed the hospital, but I was about to embark on a new journey that was filled with rocky mountains, raging rivers and valleys to cross. I had no idea that recovery really meant. This was still new, and no one really had answers. It is the anniversary of that event, a year later and I am still recovering. Recovering and healing means different things for everyone. Whether it’s your physical body, personal experience or mental state no one will never have identical responses.
For me, I went through a whirlwind of emotions that took me up in the air of uncertainty. I came down crashing and everything literally hurt. My lungs took a major hit, limbs and muscles had taken a vacation Physically, it took me about three weeks to fully stand without getting dizzy. It took me several months to regain my balance and confidence to walk alone. As a dancer who once had immaculate balance it bothered me to know what was happening in my body. I fought daily and tired my best to use ballet techniques to recover. As a singer and speaker, I was concerned about being able to have normal speech. Will I ever sing again? I barely was capable of speaking a sentence without often used breathing techniques and singing to help restore my lung capacity and breath better. Breathing is still an issue because my lungs took a triple hit. I was having frequent asthma attacks(asthmatic exasperations) and also pneumonia as well. COVID-19 was the icing on the horrible cake.
I did not doubt Gods power but how could all three attack me and I survive? Survivors remorse allowed tears to become daily morning routine. People who encouraged me to live had passed and I was beginning to crash mentally. I focused on recovery for myself but left and right I lost loved ones. People close were paranoid even after I recovered so it shifted my social life to a certain extent. I was hurt and upset because there were individuals who did not take other precautions or follow CDC Guidelines. I too was concerned about it interacting with others. Could I catch this again? Where have these people been, should I attend events? Instead, I choose to remain inside and take this as a mini vacation from life.
I was so accustomed to being extremely busy that when I finally was alone and quiet, I did not know what to do with myself. It was apparent that I had never known was rest and relaxation really was. I could never understand how folks “wind down”. What is that? Anger took over. I thought of all the people who did not reach out but proclaimed to care. I was dealing with symptoms of PTSD from the traumatic experience being hospitalized. I went to bed just the way I awoke daily… in tears. Increased depression and anxiety were like twins who followed me around and refused to leave me alone. Four months, six months, my birthday and beyond… tears. New trauma trigged old traumas I had never dealt with and here I am facing it alone.
I found solace in writing, designing and musical abilities but soon after it meant nothing. Focusing on school became more challenging and I did not want to live. I was torn, I have been granted another chance at life and I don’t want it. How ungrateful I was but it was me being real. I wear the scars on my body now as a symbol of overcoming. I am happy to be here now but it took almost a year to say that sincerely. I have completely stopped dancing and singing. Most things I love I have no desire to continue most days. Sometimes my lungs constriction occurs from walking a few steps and is a fight everyday day. I wake up fatigued and often fight with weapons of self-care but some days I do not have the strength. Cosmetic pictures with fabricated smiles flooded timelines but no one know I was hurting physically and mentally.
I implore everyone to have a quality friends or seek Professional care just to talk. Therapy does not mean that you are crazy, let’s get that straight. It’s you, acknowledging that your fight on your own isn’t working. You need a voice to bring things into perspective from and objective voice. I overcame through much prayer, spiritual guidance, addressing my feelings and enjoying hobbies. I can smile genuinely now and taking necessary steps for complete wholeness.
For more content regarding my experience, stay tuned for my upcoming book about COVID survival.